A Step Toward A Positive Direction

I had the pleasure of holding a 2 day old baby, yesterday! He was so tiny and precious.
This was a BIG step for me. Its the first baby, that wasn't a daycare kid, I've held in the past month. I did very well. The only time I got teary eyed, was when I saw his mom holding him and talking to him. Imagining that I should be doing the same thing at the end of the summer. But after I realized that one day, eventually, I would be doing that, I was fine and enjoyed watching him meet his older brother for the first time.

I am so excited for his parents. They deserve all the best and their two sons are beautiful! So, congrats on your newest addition, he's adorable! And thank you for sharing him with me.

Some people are ignorant

Some people just dont understand that they aren't the only ones with problems. Everyone has problems are one point or another . Don't just assume that you are the only one.



...I woke up this morning having a bad day...to add to it, I found out that my dad is having surgery. They haven't set the date yet, but it will be soon.

...I'm Terrified...


I'm missing my baby a lot today.
69 more days until my doctors appointment.

February 14, 2008

♥

I feel like somethings missing.

My Day

Tristan came and visited me at work and then come home with me for a few hours. As hard as it was on my emotions, I had the most fun I'd had in a while.

He's playing in the cat toy.

"Hmmmm, how does this thing work?

"Maybe it'll work better down here"

Weight Loss

Today is the start of my diet. And I'm hoping that I can stick with this diet.

Someone I know, lost 14 lbs in the first 2 weeks. So it gives me hope! I'm taking these next 3 months to get healthier and to my "ideal" weight. It's something to keep my mind off things and it's just something that really just need to do. I've been so unhappy with the have I have looked for a long time and it's time I finally did something about it.

In addition to the diet, I'm using the treadmill at work. Hopefully this all works out and I stick with it, so its one less thing for me to be upset about right now.



Did I mention that I hate my car! Well, I dont hate it but it doesnt like me! First the battery dies...Now it wont start. My dad thinks its the starter. So he tried to fix it on Saturday. But it was too cold, the jack wasnt working properly and it started to rain so they gave up. It's getting towed to my parents house today so that he can fix it. It wont even try to work. For now, I'm driving my grandmas old car, which I LOVE!!!



Today I also would have been pregnant for 3 months...

And its over

I had a doctors appointment this morning.

He informed me that my hormone levels plummeted within the 48 hours and I did in fact have a miscarriage. My levels are down to zero now.
He also informed me that my blood type is O negative (rh negative). It didnt affect this pregnancy because it was too early but later in pregnancy I need to be tested and watched. Rh negative mothers with rh positive babies would potentially attack the babies red blood cells.
UGH, my body hates me!

I go back to him in 3 months so we can discuss starting fertility medications again.

This week was HORRIBLE

Bad news started off my week.

And bad news ended my week.

I'm so glad the week is over.

It sucks, but it's just a part of life.

And 'atleast you know you can get pregnant' are what I keep hearing. Yes, I know that I can GET pregnant, but I should BE pregnant. There should be something in my tummy just like I thought for the last 10 weeks. I should have gone to the doctor Monday and seen a heartbeat.

For the last couple months I have been falling asleep easily, with the exception of last night and Monday night. But for some reason last night my RLS decided it needed to show up. So, as I'm laying there, thinking, my legs decide to start hurting to add to my pain and frustration that were already there.
How come our minds tend to wander and think when its time to go to sleep but during the day the things we think about at night are no where in our heads? Is it because we don't have anything occupying our time so we just think?

Last night and Monday night I couldnt stop thinking. Thinking about the 5 tubes of blood they took Monday and the 5 they are going to take from me today. About the ultrasound on Thursday and what it could possibly show, since there was nothing in there on Monday. About the doctors appointment next Monday and what he's going to tell me. What happened? How is my body handeling it? Where do we go from here? How long do we have to wait to start trying again? And now with this recent study out about caffine and miscarriages I'm starting to blame myself. Like those sodas I had before I found out and the few sips after I knew where the reason that I'm in the position I am in now. I did this to myself. I put my baby in harm.

I don't know where to go from here. I'm definatly not the same person. Atleast right now. I'm a horrible hostess, but who can blame me. I just lost something that I've been wanting and thought I had. Sometimes I feel as though I should be fine with it already. That its over and done with and theres nothing that I can do about it. But then I think, wait, I just found out 2 days ago. And things are just starting to happen, how can I be over it already?

Is it crazy to miss and love something you never really had? I mean, I know I had it but to not have it now, theres like this hole in me. I'm missing something. I'm a mommy to an angel and I have someone else watching over me.

As far as our anniversary yesterday goes...We didnt do anything. In light of recent events and the fact that Mark is sick we did nothing. My parents are paying for dinner and a movie that we are going to do this weekend when we hopefully feel better.

Anniversary.

Well, today is our 3 year anniversary. I can't believe its been 3 years already.

Our Night With Tristan

Tristan and uncle Mark playing the Wii!

Brad still has no power from the storm so Tristan is staying the night with us tonight.

Who knew a cat toy and dot of light would be so fun to a 1 year old!

Crazy, Crazy Weather

3:14am

When I went to bed tonight it was barley raining with a light wind. I was woken up this morning at 1:30 by what I thought was a branch being broken, the wind was throwing rain against our house and the screen door was being slammed by the wind. It was so noisy in our house that I am still awake at 3 am just listening to all this noise.
I dont remember a storm being this crazy. It's supposed to have high wind gusts all through tomororw. Mark had to work overnight tonight, so I'm just worried about his drive home. I guess it's time to try and go back to sleep.


12:42pm

So, I finally got back to sleep this morning just to be woken up when Mark got home. Apparently the branch I thought that fell off the tree, was actually a tree being ripped out of the ground and its laying across our driveway. It's 12:30 and the tree is still in the same place that it fell.Our power was out from 6:30 (right after Mark got home) until 8:30.We recieved many phone calls this morning just to check on us. My boss called at 9 to tell me not to come in because the weather was too crazy. YAY! 3 day weekend, although we really need the money right now. My parents, in-laws, brother-in-law and grandparents have no power. My parents lost a rosebush. My in-laws shed thing flew into the neighbors yard, branches on a tree in the back yard broke off and a plant was ripped out of the ground in the front yard. My grandparents 3 big trees in the backyard were knocked over. As I'm typing this the fence was just broken off across from our house. There are branches everywhere.We are the lucky ones in our family who still have power. My BIL said that there are trees knocked down all over town to where the roads are blocked off. I hope everyone gets power back soon!


7:40pm

PG&E told my family that they can't give them an estimated time frame as to when the power will be back on. And I read on the internet that 1 million people in California are without power. Mark is working over night tonight and he called to tell me that the glass on the big McDonalds sign had been broken and the fences at the new Rite Aid location were blown down. He then called to tell me that all of Live Oak was pitch black and that Lowes and Home Depot were some of the only buisnesses that were open today in Yuba City, sheds had been blown together and the roofs were blown off an the roof of Sams Club had apparently been blown in.

A New Year.

Tomorrow marks the first day of 2008. And I'm excited!

2007 was a rough year, a really rough year. Family issues, medical issues and work issues, lets just say it hasnt been our year. Through everything, I believe that its made me a better and stronger person. But I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be so much better.

I hope that everyone has a great start to 2008.

Our Christmas!

Tristan loves his snowman!

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!

I hope you have a wonderful day with family and friends!!

Almost Time!

7 days until Christmas!!!

Meteor Shower

Was anyone else crazy enough to sit outside last night in the freezing cold to watch the meteor shower??
We were watching the 11 o'clock news last night and they mentioned a meteor shower happening. So Mark went outside to look. He saw a few so we got a blanket and some towels (the bed of his truck had ice on it) and we sat out there for about half an hour watching.
I tried to take a video of it with my digital camera but it was coming out too dark, you couldn't see the meteor. It was neat. I have never seen one before.

Not This Month

No baby announcement this month.

I'm going to go drown my sorrows in a bowl of ice cream.

Then to go Bunco and try to get my mind off of things.

...

2 weeks until Christmas!!!

Sleeping

has become a daunting task these days.
I've had restless leg syndrome since before they knew what it was. I went to the doctor, he told me that it might be our matress, to take 2 aleve half an hour before I go to bed or that I could be anemic. He did bloodtests and everything was fine. So, I basically think he thought I was crazy.
A year later, I see a commercial on tv explaining everything that I go through every night. Then, we didnt have enough money to pay for the perscription or doctors visit so I just dealt with it, thinking that maybe it would just get better. Now this last week, it has been sooo bad. I haven't been able to get to sleep before 2:30/3 am and then I was up at 9 and am exhausted.
Now, again, we dont have the money to spare on the perscription or the doctor's appointment. So I'm left with just being exhausted all the time.

The past 2 nights, when I have gotten to sleep eventually, I've been having dreams about my brother. He isn't around and hasn't really been my entire life. But for some reason he's been in my dreams. The first night, he was this caring older brother that was listening to my baby and life problems and was very sweet about everything. Then last night, he came to visit me at work and was playing with all the kids. It was really strange.